Countdown to Forty

fortyThis time next week I should be starting off birthday celebrations whilst on holiday in the sun.  The big 4-0 has come round a lot quicker than I thought it would and as we all know I never met my weight target 😩 It’s not going to be ‘Fabulous at Forty’ but more realistically it’ll be ‘Flabby at Forty’.  My husband is turning forty within a few days of me which is why we’re heading off into the sunshine.  Unlike me, he has managed to lose some weight and is sticking to his diet and exercise routine, well done him!

I was going to say how happy I am with my size and that I’ve finally learned to accept my curves and rejoice in the way I am, but that would quite frankly be a load of bullshit.  I can’t see anyone actually being fat and happy.  You hear people all the time say they’re not bothered if they’re fat, it’s what’s inside that counts….. well we all know what’s inside – it’s more than likely the entire contents of Greggs 😉 I have yet to meet a genuine person who says they’re happy being fat, I’m not saying they don’t exist, it’s just that I haven’t met one yet.  I’m sure the day I meet that person I will forever admire their awesomeness.  To be that happy with your size would be so inspirational to someone like me.

I’m happy as a person, I’m happy as a mother and I’m happy as a wife but am I happy as a fat woman?  No, I’m bloody not, I hate being fat and the sight of my flab repulses me.  I hate mirrors and I hate having my photo taken.  This is the time where all the do-gooders start telling me to do something about it.  Yes, yes we all know the only person who can change things is me, blah blah blah.  Do you not think that if I could seriously change things then I would have done?  There is one thing that I am doing and that is keeping my weight in check, I am not a burden on the NHS and before we start thinking I’m some sort of elephant I’m actually a size 12/14 on a fabulous day and a 14/16 on a monstrous day – there are more monstrous days than fabulous of late, but we’ll gloss over that.  I will never go above that – fact, however I don’t seem to be able to get below that.  That’s the bit I’m struggling on, I just can’t lose the weight.

I have lost weight in the past and have even gone back down to a size 10, as I used to be about 15 years ago (this was before being diagnosed with hypothyroidism).  I had everyone telling me then that I had lost too much weight?!  You just can’t win, there are actually very few people who are happy when you lose weight.  The ones who aren’t happy are the ones who never acknowledge that you’ve lost weight even though it’s blatantly obvious as your thighs are no longer clapping as you walk!  These are the people who pretend to be your friend but actually wouldn’t give a shit if you dropped down dead tomorrow.  They’d come to your funeral just to be nosey and feign remorse over your death and then possibly giggle that you had to have a larger than average size coffin.

I have found in the past that I am more happy when I’m thin but it takes a hell of a lot of will-power to maintain the loss, you spend your entire life calorie counting.  This is something I just can’t do and more importantly it’s something I wont do, its something I did throughout my 20s and 30s and I’ll be damned if I’m doing it in my 40s.  If I ever lose weight again then it is going to have to be an entire life style change, something that’s difficult to accomplish.

However we live in hope that one day I’ll be happy with the size that I am, in the meantime it’s all about enjoying the forthcoming celebrations, to have ‘Fun at Forty’ and maybe aspire for being ‘Fabulously Thin at Fifty’ and downright ‘Sexy at Sixty’ 😀


Failure at Forty

1803WeightLossMotivationSo, here I am a few weeks away from forty.  Cause for celebration – undoubtedly, but cameras may be banned.  I gave myself a year to lose weight and now I am precisely where I was a year ago.  I have failed and the only thing that I have managed to lose is money from one weight-loss initiative to another.  This time, I thought it was going to be different, I had set myself a realistic goal and I was going to make it.  I mean a whole year – what type of idiot couldn’t lose weight in a year – err that’ll be me then 😐

This blog was supposed to be full of motivation and you were all supposed to be in awe of how I had lost the weight with such determination.  The last post would be photos of me on my 40th, looking younger and slimmer than before, posing daringly in-front of the camera, flaunting my new enviable figure.  Sadly, none of that is going to happen, there will be photos taken but there’ll be no full shots of me, most of them will be me standing behind a child or me partially hidden behind someone else.  I’ve had great practice in how to be photographed holding a glass of wine, so we’ll probably have a few of those.

Ok it’s time to work out how it went wrong, why didn’t it work for me?  I tried Slimming World, 5:2, Jane Plan and doing 1200 calories a day combined with exercise.  I even hired a Personal Trainer and started going to Spin Classes.  I definitely put the effort in and during the first few months I lost a fair bit of weight, but it’s come back  on 😦  I could blame the underactive thyroid, which is a valid reason, but it’s not all down to that.  I looked back at my failure and tried to pinpoint what it was and all I can come back with is that I’m being too harsh on myself.  The last year has been tough, I have coped with both betrayal and a family bereavement.  I’ve taken on a new job after an 8 year career break which means I am now juggling a fulltime job, school runs and housework; I don’t actually have time for exercise anymore, I try to eat healthy but I don’t think that’s enough with my hypothyroidism.

It might sound all doom and gloom but between you and I, it isn’t how I feel.  I am upset that I have failed miserably at losing weight but I’m also proud of myself for getting through the last year and coming out more driven than I was before.  I’m not just somebody’s wife and mother anymore even though that is a blessing for me.  I am also an individual who has a role outside of the home, which is something that I didn’t think I’d achieve again.  So the question is am I content with my failure? I can categorically say that – yes I am content!  I can lose weight if I put my mind to it but at the moment my mind is on other successes that relate to my career and my children.  I am blessed with a happy home and a happy life, I’d rather have that than a slimmer body.

I hope you guys are better at achieving your goals than I was, but if like me you weren’t then remember it’s not just about failing but about how you deal with that failure.  Life can’t always be black or white – sometimes a little bit of grey can show the best rainbows 🙂