This time next week I should be starting off birthday celebrations whilst on holiday in the sun. The big 4-0 has come round a lot quicker than I thought it would and as we all know I never met my weight target 😩 It’s not going to be ‘Fabulous at Forty’ but more realistically it’ll be ‘Flabby at Forty’. My husband is turning forty within a few days of me which is why we’re heading off into the sunshine. Unlike me, he has managed to lose some weight and is sticking to his diet and exercise routine, well done him!
I was going to say how happy I am with my size and that I’ve finally learned to accept my curves and rejoice in the way I am, but that would quite frankly be a load of bullshit. I can’t see anyone actually being fat and happy. You hear people all the time say they’re not bothered if they’re fat, it’s what’s inside that counts….. well we all know what’s inside – it’s more than likely the entire contents of Greggs 😉 I have yet to meet a genuine person who says they’re happy being fat, I’m not saying they don’t exist, it’s just that I haven’t met one yet. I’m sure the day I meet that person I will forever admire their awesomeness. To be that happy with your size would be so inspirational to someone like me.
I’m happy as a person, I’m happy as a mother and I’m happy as a wife but am I happy as a fat woman? No, I’m bloody not, I hate being fat and the sight of my flab repulses me. I hate mirrors and I hate having my photo taken. This is the time where all the do-gooders start telling me to do something about it. Yes, yes we all know the only person who can change things is me, blah blah blah. Do you not think that if I could seriously change things then I would have done? There is one thing that I am doing and that is keeping my weight in check, I am not a burden on the NHS and before we start thinking I’m some sort of elephant I’m actually a size 12/14 on a fabulous day and a 14/16 on a monstrous day – there are more monstrous days than fabulous of late, but we’ll gloss over that. I will never go above that – fact, however I don’t seem to be able to get below that. That’s the bit I’m struggling on, I just can’t lose the weight.
I have lost weight in the past and have even gone back down to a size 10, as I used to be about 15 years ago (this was before being diagnosed with hypothyroidism). I had everyone telling me then that I had lost too much weight?! You just can’t win, there are actually very few people who are happy when you lose weight. The ones who aren’t happy are the ones who never acknowledge that you’ve lost weight even though it’s blatantly obvious as your thighs are no longer clapping as you walk! These are the people who pretend to be your friend but actually wouldn’t give a shit if you dropped down dead tomorrow. They’d come to your funeral just to be nosey and feign remorse over your death and then possibly giggle that you had to have a larger than average size coffin.
I have found in the past that I am more happy when I’m thin but it takes a hell of a lot of will-power to maintain the loss, you spend your entire life calorie counting. This is something I just can’t do and more importantly it’s something I wont do, its something I did throughout my 20s and 30s and I’ll be damned if I’m doing it in my 40s. If I ever lose weight again then it is going to have to be an entire life style change, something that’s difficult to accomplish.
However we live in hope that one day I’ll be happy with the size that I am, in the meantime it’s all about enjoying the forthcoming celebrations, to have ‘Fun at Forty’ and maybe aspire for being ‘Fabulously Thin at Fifty’ and downright ‘Sexy at Sixty’ 😀